Change of Plans

I remember days when I'd write up a storm. My words would flow, my thoughts connected and I could express the inner me in a flurry of 4 syllable words and paragraph long sentences. How pretentious does that sound to me now? I say I "remember" but that's not true. I read things I have written and I am reminded of my past semi-talent but I have no memory of having that anointed moment. Some days I do surprise myself but most of my life is spent like the walking-dead moving from one menial task to the other, feeling like I can't string together ten words that can be profound or even just be evidence of having an education. It is irritating when I open my mouth and can't find the words to bring life to my thoughts in the minds of others, like nails raking down a chalkboard in a room that echoes for eternity. I seem to retain little and regurgitate even less. I read books by the dozens, non-fiction titles of every creed and race. One would think that this might inspire me to engage in creative thinking but no. My aspirations of writing a book are a distant dream, almost as if it was dreamt by someone else and I heard it in passing on a train, on a plane, in a bus, shouted out of a truck window.

Life just goes on and on and on. I read this weekend on Postsecret that someone was happier when they learned that they don't have to judge their happiness by other people's lives.

It seemed like an "aha" moment at the time but I snort at that now. I would like to have some happiness to judge and we could negotiate the standards post hoc. I should write a blog I say to myself then Self answers and says you've tried that, hasn't really worked for you lately. Good intentions fizzle down to one starter entries, no followers and a wasted web space. Thank heavens it's free! Actually, now that Self mentions it, I recall when I did pay for a website. I updated quite frequently but with entries that were mostly filled with what I'd like to call teenage angst but was more of depressed expressions of a bipolar female in quarter life crisis. So you're torn to admit you enjoyed blogging then because it was so much pain in too many words that practically no-one read. But, what if this was for me? To get what's left of my brain flowing into meaning if only for me. Then would I blog? If I wasn't worried about who read and who judged and about turning my blog into a business (which is all the craze these days), could I just write my soul into letters that form words that morph into sentences expunging complete thoughts? Pluto stopped being a planet, so anything is possible. Why the hell not?

On a weak day I stumbled across The Bloggess and life hasn't been the same. I often troll the same websites every day but rarely, if ever, do I comment. I came upon this woman who was married, had a child, was popular in the world and who was open and honest about depression and being bipolar and it was as if a light came on. Suddenly for that evening the darkness wasn't as heavy and I commented and thanked her for her courage to share. I'm sure I didn't use those words but I should have.

Perhaps it would help me if I wrote my story, purge my crazy mind and send it out into this new world. Perhaps someone would stumble across something I have written and realise the most important understanding there is to have: you are not alone.

Day -1 Assess

I am a 31 year old woman. I am married and we are both employed in an unemployable market. We have no kids and no real debt. From the outside looking in, all is well. From the inside looking out, I'm going crazy in my own skin. I need something to change and I need it to change now.

Enter Google. (imagine harps playing in that clouds parting sort of way)

I found a life improvement challenge; 100 days to change me. Thus a blog is born. This is about nothing and still about everything. I want to journal and track my 100 day journey and marvel at all the progress I've made on day 101.

Before you begin, they say you should take stock of where you are now. Have a life plan, know where you are so you can see where you are going, that kind of thing. Having a life plan, an entire plan of where you want your life to be from now until the end of your three score and ten is so much harder than you think it is… unless you think its really hard in which case you'd be right. I sat down with pen and paper in hand trying to answer the basic guide questions:

1. What is my life like now in detail?
2. What do I want to accomplish?
3. What kind of person do I want to be?
4. Why do I want what I want?
5. How do I want to be remembered?

Those are bloody hard questions. I found myself skipping lines after I wrote each one down so I could go back and fill it in later. At the end I had a few scribbles and a lot of blank paper. This was my first issue. I don't know what I want to do, where I want to be, or what I want from this life. I am living each day in technical terms only. I wake up, go about the day with minimal effort and results to get by and then go to bed so the next day can come.

There is no motivation, no ambition, no satisfaction. Logically, change requires:

motivation + ambition = satisfaction

It seems so obvious and perfect. I picture that equation written in gold surrounded by flashing vanity lights. This probably means I'm missing something or I am completely wrong.

(motivation + ambition) x maximum effort = satisfaction

That's better. Let's call it my all or nothing theorem. Innovative, I know.

I'd hate to say today is Day 1 because I feel like I haven't done a single thing on their exhaustive "to do" list but I have identified Issue 1. In law it's IRAC; issues, rules, application and conclusion. "Identification and separation of the issues, description of the governing rules, application of the rules to the facts and the answer and caveat if required."  I'm certain that could be helpful… somehow.

Today is Day -1. I can do this, bit by bit, but it's hard to dive in whole heartedly when you can't swim. Tomorrow's goal is a life plan and a real one, not 'be successful' or 'be a kind and patient person'. Generic goods don't stand out. Lady Gaga is a hit but weren't we all "born this way"?

Let's aim high, (last one I promise). To infinity and beyond! ;)